A personal reflection : My journey with Endometriosis, trauma and healing
This month I thought to share something on a slightly more personal level.
I was reminded the other day of my earlier struggles with endometriosis and severe PMS symptoms before I had my hysterectomy. During a conversation with an old friend, I realised that maybe in this there is also something that can help others with similar difficulties. Now, of course, the men are immediately going to stop reading, which is fair, and maybe you’d like to sit this one out. This one is probably more focused on the girls although if you are the spouse of someone who has had similar issues, this could also benefit you.
Understanding Endometriosis
Let’s begin the story with the Endometriosis. Scientifically, endometriosis is a medical condition where tissue similar to the lining inside the uterus (called the endometrium) grows outside the uterus. This tissue can be found on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other pelvic organs. Unlike the normal endometrial tissue, which exits the body during menstruation, this misplaced tissue has no way to leave the body, leading to inflammation, pain, and sometimes the formation of scar tissue or cysts.
Living with Pain
Saying I suffered with endometriosis is very much an understatement as excruciating mind-numbing, body paralysing pain is probably more accurate, as soon as I started my menstruation as a young girl. Needless to say, it almost immediately brought a resentment in me of being a woman, having to suffer with this and definitely placed a damper on growing up watching others float their monthly menstruation with ease. The PMS that accompanied it was just as horrendous and between the pain, which sometimes even caused me to pass out, the depression and frustration made high school years quite difficult to cope with. Nothing brings out a sparkly personality like excruciating pain!
Searching for Relief
After a couple of laser therapies and medication and mostly just accepting and learning to live with it, life went on. It was always a burden though and having gone through most other options, I decided to try out the IUD (Mirena). At first everything went well, but as luck would have it, it still didn’t stop my periods. During this time, my parents put their house in the market to move to a more secure living facility and before we even had time to think or process, my childhood home was sold. As I live far away, their sale and move and everything happened in my absence and without realising it, this had a profound emotional impact on me. What does this have to do with my IUD you ask?
A Turning Point
Well, I woke up the one morning and it was as if I was possessed and I could hardly breathe. The breathing just got worse over the next few days and weeks. I first thought it was my asthma coming back, allergies getting worse, lung infection, and a myriad other things, but nothing I did or used helped bring it back to normal. The breathing just got worse and I even struggled to eat, as it felt as if I would suffocate the moment I had to close my mouth to chew. The next “symptom” was when I woke up and with everything in me wanted to have this IUD removed. I called in sick from work, phoned my gynaecologist’s office and told them that if he doesn’t take it out that same day, I would do it myself – and I wasn’t joking. It was as if it was a hot fire poker inside my body and I felt myself going a little bit insane.
Connecting Mind and Body
I am very blessed though to have a wonderful Gynaecologist who is the kindest, gentlest and wisest man. He gently sat me down and we had a long conversation where he first asked me about what was happening in my life, work, home, family, etc. Something not many doctors or specialists do anymore these days. Slowly, during this conversation we started piecing together what was happening to me. He connected the dots for me between the loss of my childhood home and my breathing problems. It was the loss of security, childhood uncertainty and fear that all rose up in one foul sweep. Further discussion also brought out my rape and earlier abuse and the fact that I just couldn’t tolerate having anything foreign inside my body. Who knew having a foreign object inside my uterus would be triggering!
The Psychological Impact
Strange how the mind works, isn’t it?! So, at the end of a long consultation and the removal of the IUD, he also explained to me that the breathing is based on a chemical imbalance and like a flipped switch, that once its on, unless you chemically switch it off again, it will stay ‘on’. The proper psychological diagnosis for something like this would be that it is a form of ‘OCD’ – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Embracing Healing Modalities
Maybe today, I would have tried harder with proper breathing exercises (which I learned only later on), yoga and other alternative therapies, but at that point in my life I was just happy to have an answer and a solution. I did try herbal remedies first, but when that didn’t bring enough relief, I opted for the medication and it eventually settled back to normal. What I want to say here is that I will always opt for the more natural holistic approach to any physical illness or ailment, but I also believe that there are times when you can do worse to your body by letting a condition linger than to go for a chemical option to sort it out. Maybe I am a little bit on the fence between these two modalities or ways of thinking, but I believe both have their place in the right situation. I would never force any side on anyone, this is something you each have to make out for yourself.
Dealing with Trauma and Moving Forward
I of course needed to deal with the trauma of both the abuse and the loss of my childhood home (which is still sort of hard to explain). It had to do with my sense of security. Looking back today I have come a long way. I eventually opted for a hysterectomy as the endometrial issues continued and I just realised that, for me (and this is very personal), I had made peace with not having children and not ever going to have children and also that removing it is not going to take away from me being a woman and I have never looked back. But this is not an easy decision and one that did take me years to decide. So, if you are facing the same, give yourself the space and time you need and don’t let anyone force you into anything you don’t want for your own body.
Family Constellation and True Healing
My real healing though came years after when I found Family Constellation. Through Family Constellation I could finally release myself, mind, body and soul from the abuse that has tainted and haunted my whole life, my womanhood and my body as a whole. I managed to reconnect and make peace with my body, with being a woman and with everything that, that entails. I also managed to release my childhood home and this enabled me to fully be where I am now. Connect not only with my physical environment, my now home, but also my partner and the “home” that we have built together. I never found any other therapy (or medication) that was able to fully release me and give me back all that I had lost over the years.
Embracing Womanhood and Looking Ahead
Today, I am happy in my body, fully embracing being a woman and greeting my transition (menopause) into being older (hopefully wiser as well) with grace. It might still throw up some hiccups along the way, but at least now I’m doing it as one whole, connected person and not bits and pieces scattered all over like the endometriosis was scattered all over my insides.
Dealing with something similar or have advise for others, please feel free to share with us!